you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
