Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
