you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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