you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
