Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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