i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
