I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
