dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
