I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
