I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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