Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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