So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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