happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
