I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
