I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
