I think I won the penis lottery.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
