You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
