i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
