We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
