Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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