Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
