Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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