She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
