my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
