I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we're making bets on your personal life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
