I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Four minutes until I can fart!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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