I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize