and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
