I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
