im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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