Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
