i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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