Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
