just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
