You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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