I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
