I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
