Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
