I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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