Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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