this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
