Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
