She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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