Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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