Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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