right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
