she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
