Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
