Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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