are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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