I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
