I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need moral support for this bender
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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